I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
