Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
