god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
