We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
