It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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