I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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