fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
