U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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