so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
