I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
