why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
