Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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