...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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