I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
