Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
