Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
