fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
