after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
