"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
