i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
