I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
