I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
