Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
