Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
