Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
