it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
