If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
