Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
