He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
