I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize