We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
