So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
