Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
