they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
