My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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