I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Life is so much better after having sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
