she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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