She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
