Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
