he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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