I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Randomize
