Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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