I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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