I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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