Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
