Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
