I faked an abortion last night.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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