i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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