I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Randomize