His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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