Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
