If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
