We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
