There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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