Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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