I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
