yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
