oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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