it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
im calling her cock vulture from now on
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
