The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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