as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
