Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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