did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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