weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
