I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
