mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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